December 18, 2010. (Human months for now untill we develop the official seasons for Ushinari.)
I suppose you are wondering why I am writting this, and well, I'm thinking the same thing.
Elis (A friend of my mother) Gave me this journal on my birthday a few months ago. She was one of the few people that actually gave me a present. It wasn't rapped, or anything fancy, it was just this plain little book with empty pages. She had told me that it would be a good idea to write down my thoughts and ideas on things, so that my children will have it to look at.
I highly doubt any child of mine would ever want to see how confused and messed up my mind is.
But, seeing I wish my mother had done this, I decided to do it.
I had actually planned to write this entry a long time ago. But I just couldn't pull myself to do it.
So, let's get who ever is reading this caught up with what's going on in my life right now.
Latley, Shran has been missing. It has been so long since I last saw him. And it kills me so much inside. I can never get a good nights sleep. Dreams of him come to me, and I usually wake up to my muffled screams. Wishing he was there to comfort me.
On most nights I just lay there. On the edge of sanity, asking myself, what's the point anymore? Why don't I just let all these tears that have been bottled up for over 800 years, just fall out. Be over and done with it. And hopefully join Shran if hes dead as well. Which is what Gresh tells me. And it's pretty much the only thing that makes since.
And yes, Gresh is the King of Ushinaris rival clan. Yes, his parents did kill mine. But he is nothing like them. I remember, on the way back from the meeting, we talked. Grew a bond. At first it was just friendship, but then I suppose I got greedy. Needing someone to hold on to. Needing someone to keep me sane. But hes more then that. I trust him with my life now. And I wounder if he will ever ask me to be mated with him. But that just brings back the horrible thoughts of Shran, and how I used to hope that with him. Hope, wounder, and wish.
But thats over now. Shran has to be dead. The end.
Yet no matter how many times I tell myself that. I just can't seem to get over him.
The pain is still there, it seems as if it will never go away. Because it's not one of those things you just simply get over. It's like loosing a part of you.
Feeling a part of you die.
Of course, I've had a feeling quite like this before. When I lost my dog form.
But I have to admit, I rather feel that again than this.
Hopefully some day, me and Gresh will be happily mated, my nightmares and thoughts about Shran over, our clans combined, and be the largest clan out there. Like my father always wanted.
~
Well, that's all for today. Perhaps I will right in here once again. But for now it will stay locked and hidden from the world untill I find the need to give it to someone. So good night journal, I wish you a good nights rest, and trust you to keep these thoughts and secrets hidden untill someone brave and strong enough has the courage to read these horrible things.
Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:45 pm